Thursday, 24 December 2009
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
It's a funny time of year. The memories are mixed with some happy moments and many awful ones....but it is a family time, you want to feel that sense of belonging don't you
I remember feeling suicidal this time of year in my teens and early twenties. The reason behind these feelings were never clear at the time, just a dark wretched feeling
In retrospect it was intense self loathing.
Self Loathing is a huge problem to overcome for survivors of CSA. You hate what you look like, what you sound like, what you are, and the family around you feed those feelings like a cancer. It keeps you in the role they deem you fit for
You don't feel you deserve happiness, special attention or love even.
The additional little problem I had, was an interesting one. I made people jealous and envious of me enough, so that they would try to bring me down, even if they knew, how hard I had it
I have reconnected with some distant family recently, who were there at the worst times. Memories have been flooding back, about them
My immediate family were pretty cruel and bullying in general. These relatives were nice to start with, but then I seemed to be too smart, too self assured for their liking.Chances are it was a front I put on, and the smartness was because I threw myself into my studies as a way of escape
I had an Aunt, who was around my age at the time. She constantly told me I may have brains, but no looks, not compared to her daughter anyway. She told me I would end up as a prostitute because my parents had me on such a short leash, and I seemed so uptight. I wasn't cool and trendy enough, not like her daughter. She said, my mother was a selfish B****, because she wouldn't cooperate fully with the joint business plans.....God it went on, almost everyday it felt like
I cannot imagine being so insecure to have the need to put down a teenage girl like that. I suppose it takes all sorts to rule the world doesn't it
Funny thing about me, that they never really understood, was that the more I was told, I was ugly, worthless, selfish, useless, not attractive blah blah blah, the less of a reaction I would outwardly give them.
I remember said Aunt calling me downstairs, from my homework desk, to verbally berate me, and I would be zombie like, and go back upstairs and carry on. It really annoyed them LOL
I took all their hate and pettiness, this includes my sister, mother and father too, and internalised it, and got really angry. Not self destructive angry, but I looked at what they all feared most, and did it
I don't know if that is recommended or not by experts but it worked for me.
They all seemed to fear I might just succeed in life inspite of everything, and leave them behind
I worked hard at school, I got fab grades and got to medical school, none of them held me back, even though they tried
As for the constant taunts about my looks, well I don't know any living thing that can blossom under such dire conditions.
At 18 when I escaped, I truly blossomed and never got called ugly or unattractive ever again. My sister didn't like my new self confidence in my looks, but oh well....
I never had a problem attracting men, and have never been single since I was 18 yrs old.
A prostitute, no, I didn't become that....even though self loathing and feeling so filthy on the inside can lead you to that. I didn't because I was still too angry about the potential that was God given, and the so called family that tried to take it away
Anyway, the point is, don't let the b******s get you down.
If you are numb inside because of everything you are going through,don't think too much about it.
Get Educated. Thats the key.
Talk to the authorities, get as much help as you can. You learn to value strangers more than family, and that is OK too
Life's knocks will still keep coming, and goodness knows there are plenty of sideeffects and scars you have to deal with, but try not to live to regret anything. Be brave, and above all try to love yourself
I am going to treat myself this Xmas, as well as my loved ones...and I am going to keep going forward in life, even if it takes ages, my life is within my control now, and thats the best thing to come out of the whole mess
Monday, 21 December 2009
I really enjoyed taking part in this campaign.
RATM Won. Power to the People!!!
No ads, no biased newspaper articles, no hate,
just good old fashioned silent majority getting a chance to be heard
Friday, 18 December 2009
Baby Jinx, one of my cats
Closeup of a snowflake from this article
Barn Owl - Winter pics from London, taken from the Daily Mail UK
Stag - Winter pics from London, taken from the Daily Mail UK
The weather forecasters say we are going to have a White Christmas this year!!!
Thursday, 17 December 2009
I am in the process of making 21 pendants based on the organic forms and colours found in the coral reef.
I will have to add bails on them, and neaten them up generally, but I won't be doing this until after my mini break from work
I am seriously worn out, and have to do so much for the website to be able to get rid of that infernal "under construction " sign LOL
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Living in the UK has obvious perks, I love my country...
But putting up with no original music, and a poor excuse for a music industry gets right up my nose
We have had the latest undigestable daily mouthfuls of the latest Simon Cowell extravaganza. There are the sob story contestants, the back stage gossip and rumours, the staged bust ups beween judges etc etc etc
Now we have another hijacking of the UK charts. Cowell, apparently now has his hand in all of the current UK Top 10 albums. They are either his acts, or albums of acts who were promoted on the show
The latest winning act's single, is another rip off cover
I thought I was one of the minority who do not watch the show, and disliked the hold Cowell and the like have over what we listen too, but it looks like there is a silent majority...possibly
The current race for christmas number 1, which for the last 5 yrs has belonged to Cowell, and his minions, maybe overuled by Rage Against The Machine
I loved the track the first time round, and have it on tape at home. Today I downloaded it as a protest to try to get this to number 1, with it's own sweet message to Simon Cowell in the chorus
Enjoy the spoof video
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Then like double decker buses, 3 come along at once LOL!!
The new Sherlock Holmes
A tongue in cheek Sherlock and a sexy Watson, and I love Mark Strong as the villain
A Single Man
I love Colin Firth, especially when he acts all emotionally repressed and this movie looks interesting. Its also a Tom Ford diectorial debut...
I am partial to Rob Marshall movies, from an aesthetic point of view as well as the plot.Not sure about the music, and Fergie LOL
Still, I am looking forward to seeing this, a lot,
et j'adore Marion Cotilliard
Friday, 11 December 2009
Been very busy this week offline mainly. I experimented with polymer clay recently, I like to use it as a canvas, and texture it, then paint on it.
I added silver frames to them as well, and am really pleased with the results
The rich colours and textures are inspired by peacock feathers. Hope you like them
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
1. dawn passion, 2. Breath In Water, 3. Bokeh Melody, 4. Happy Bokeh Thursday
These are my latest fave images from Flickr. The theme is Inspiration. I'm not sure why but the combination of blue/turquoise and golds are always very uplifting to me. Hope you like the mosaic.
Head over to Artminds Blog for more mosaics
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
The artists name is Schin and their Etsy shop is here
The image above is a section of his/her Geisha artwork. I fell in love with it instantly, and have actually bought the 8 x 12 inch print. Ooops!
I wasn't meant to buy anything else for me this year....and I couldn't even keep it together for 3 more weeks.Pathetic isn't it LOL
I have been offline for a few days, making xmas pressies, and working.I logged onto my laptop and found my google reader stuffed full to the brim with literally hundreds of entries, so that took me a while to peruse
Hope everyone is well :)
The artists other details are below
♥ WEBSITE: http://schin-art.com
♥ BLOG: http://schin-craft.blogspot.com
♥ FANPAGE: http://www.facebook.com/schin.art
♥ TWITTER: http://twitter.com/schincraft
Friday, 4 December 2009
New Photobucket toy!
Actually since the Winter weather here is making it tricky to get the right light for jewellery photos, I tried my own indoor studio .
The pieces are the same as ones I have shown before, but on a different background. So instead of boring everyone with the same pieces I used this fancy mosaic thing.If you hover your cursor over the mosaic everything moves, and an image will zoom into focus.
I can be such a geek sometimes, LOL
I came across this article this morning, isn't it the cutest, yet weirdest thing. A whole class room full of babies in buckets LOL
Apparently it really works, the buckets mimick the foetal environment in vitro, and thus has a calming effect.Excellent!
To be honest I don't need any excuse to use this, just for the cuteness factor....the article is HERE
Thursday, 3 December 2009
I am still adding to collections meant for the shop when it opens, but I thought I'd share a few pics of what I've been up to
Lady Of The Lake
This pendant is part of another designer collection I'll be doing, based on the Arthurian legends. This necklace is based on the enigmatic high priestess The Lady Of The Lake, who arises from the waters holding the magical sword Excaliber, for King Arthur
I used Green Amethyst gemstones, for that watery, mystical appeal
This is a necklace I made last night based on an Indian Princess. The necklace contains Labradorite faceted gemstones, and sterling silver sculpted wire.
This is the latest addition to the Greek Goddess collection. Nemesis is the Greek Goddess Of Retribution, she avenges those that have been wronged against
I chose a dark red garnet stone , sculpted within a sterling heart to represent her
Hope you like them!
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Mosaic of my new Flickr Favourites. They represent to me Bliss, Lust For Life, Nature's awe and wonder and Serenity. All of my favourite moods
For more mosaics of favourite amazing images see Artmind's Blog. I'm gonna check out the other mosaics too....
1. Tigre de Casa, 2. strawberry fizz, 3. Gold Leaf?, 4. HDR#05 - Ketenangan Abadi? (REPOST)
Monday, 30 November 2009
Learnt how to solder sterling, properly.Yay!!!
My messy workspace, in the studio.
I finshed off another of the Greek Goddess collection, and started another based on the legends of King Arthur
Soothing chicken broth in bed, to stave off the chilly nights.
Wonderfully self indulgent
Admiring my new little hearts bowls that I bought from Etsy.
One of my favourite weekend activities - playing with the cats.
This time its Jasper, with one of his favourite toys
Friday, 27 November 2009
Child sexual abuse: a marker or magnifying glass for family dysfunction?
Nancy D. Kellogg
University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, San Antonio, TX, USA
The Social Science Journal 39 (2002) 569–582
Every victim of child sex abuse has a different story to tell. One of the key features in my own experience was the role I played within the family as a whole, and how dysfunctional the family was.
I found this study a while back describing how the family set up and dynamics, not only have as a big a part to play, in how the abuse is carried out, but also in the prognosis and recovery of the child in question.It regards the abuse not as being performed by a single perpetrator, but by the family as a whole.
This obviously does not apply to everyone, but it does to me.
Reasons Why The Kids Don't Disclose The Abuse
My abuse started by my father when I was under 5 years old. I didn't disclose until I was 16 yrs old. Why?
Well the top 5 points in the article shown, cover my reasons.
I feared the lack of back up from my mother, because she already seemed to know, and was hostile towards me as a child, and well into my thirties.
The fear of the consequences for telling, came from both the physical violence shown by both parents towards me, which worsened with every year.
But if I did tell someone, what would happen?...my fears were realised unfortunately
The role of the Mother
The mother is often the first adult told.It was in my case too.
"The mother of the sexually abused child not only plays a pivotal role in the child's likelihood of disclosure,but also in the risk factors that give rise to the abuse"
I knew telling her was the right thing to do, but she made it so hard for me to do so.She treated me as a rival for my father's attention, which she does admit to now, not that it really helps now.
When I did tell her, she emotionally blackmailed me not to tell, and not to report it to anyone.She even went as far as making me lie to a child psychiatrist who wanted to have Dad removed. Mum sat there the whole time ensuring I did no such thing. Her sanity, financial security, job,my sister's future, were all put to me as reasons why not to tell
This was one of the most damaging experiences of my life.When I was beaten unconcious in front of her, I was sent away, not Dad.Once he knew she wouldn't report him, he bought her a house and took her on holiday.
I withdrew, and became someone else.
Adult Centred Families
It took me years to work out what happened. How could I have been victimised like this, with all the other members of the family complicit in the abuse, and maintenance of my role as the family punch bag
The article purports that there are child centred and adult centred families, where the rights of the child come last. Then there are secure and insecure families, where the threat of violence, and unpredictable parental behaviour is present.Sometimes there is substance abuse too
In my situation it was a very adult centred , insecure household, with a set up which suited both parents, if truth be told. No-one ever told on Dad, until 2004, 16 yrs after I first disclosed the abuse to my mother.
I hope that as time goes on the role of the rest of the family, and especially the "non-abusive" parent is given more attention, especially legally.
For too long, it is assumed that they are equal victims, when that is not always the case.They sometimes know well in advance what is going on, and get something out of it.Not really the sign of a nurturing parent is it.
And when the abuser is finally put away, you are left with the supposed victim parent, who you know full well, was never really a victim at all.....
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
1.Tackling the Online store - I'm meeting up with a friend and going over legal stuff and tax related stuff for setting up the store.
I probably won't do much before Christmas as it is immiment, but I will aim for next year deffo!
2.I have been in and out of Doctors offices and hospitals over the last few months.So now, I know I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, with a whole host of unpleasant symptoms to go along with it.
I am tackling each symptom steadily.I'm on meds, and have actually gone to a Slimming Club!!!
If you ever knew me in real life, you would know this is one of the last things I would ever do....mainly out of embarrassment, or denial, or something.But I am trying to face up to things
It went OK actually, and I am coping well enough...so fingers crossed...
3.Given up on damaging family relationships....finally.
This has come full circle this November.
I have been put through hell by the nearest and supposed dearest(not the hubby,he's ace), and have now summoned up the guts to let go, and put my own needs first.
Yikes, feels weird to even say that LOL.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
1. ~ Took a real "Beading" ~, 2. Flow, 3. Untitled, 4. Screaming Marble Head
More mosaics at Artmind's Blog
I am having a pretty bad day. This mosaic reflects my mood I guess.
You know when you feel everything is too much, and overwhelming, and yet you have no choice but to put in your best effort. That is today
I'm so tired and feel invisible....
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Friday, 20 November 2009
Offline today working on more stock and sorting out my receipts...blah...
Off topic, have you ever had a mouthful of cereal while in front of the computer screen...than a huge sneeze builds up fast and explodes through your nose onto said screen and keyboard.
just me then. Great...
Hope you all have a great Friday etc, see you around the corner...
Thursday, 19 November 2009
I came across this article from the Daily Mail, about a royal visit to nursey kids, by Prince Charles's wife, the Duchess of Cornwall.
Look at the pic of the little boy trying to squeeze passed, but gets caught by the royal tush LOL. His expression is priceless!
Heres the link to the article with more pics
I am so touched by the lovely comments I have received for this piece by other uber-talented artisans.
I'm having a wonderful start to my day.........Thankyou
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
1. Approaching Reflection, 2. The Kokeshi family - and so they were five, 3. Kokeshi doll - Izumino (泉野), 4. Chocolate,Coffee n Cinnamon Cupcakes
I fell in love with these little kokeshi dolls, and found a couple of other cuties to join them.
This is my latest addition to my Greek Goddess collection.
I based the pendant on the Gorgon Medusa.She is a powerful archetype, usually seen as an angry vengeful “female” who is anti-men LOL
She was actually a very beautiful classy lady who was cursed by a jealous Greek Goddess for attracting her man, and was thus transformed into the infamous creature.
If she gets eye contact with any man, they are turned into a pillar of salt.Her hair is made up of serpents and her blood is toxic….nice way to treat a lady huh
The pendant is made from Lemon quartz gemstone and coils of serpent like sterling silverI already have Persephone, Gaia, Eos, Athena and Aphrodite as my Goddesses. I am going to be working on Nemesis and Selena next - then the collection will be complete.YAY!
The other 2 pendants as mentioned are from my ongoing obsession with creating jewellery for mermaids LOL. I made them from natural aquamarine gemstones, fresh water pearls and sterling silver
See images below
Friday, 13 November 2009
I don't usually go for covers, since I am long enough in the tooth now to remember the originals LOL
But this is a gorgeous cover of Florence and the Machine's Rabbit Heart. Florence is this amazing singer songwriter who reminds me a little of Kate Bush. She also sings poetic verses of gothic imagery reminiscent of Stevie Nicks...it's great to discover someone new on the music scene.Here is her original Rabbit Heart song CLICK HERE
My Brother in law is a musician too, and going to his gigs in Kent has gotten me back into the live music scene again.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
If you think about it in basic terms, what do we human beings need, food, shelter, comfort, unconditional love from somewhere and a sense of selfworth
If you are lucky to get most of these albeit in varying degrees, then you have the basic tools that help with growing up, mixing, finding loved ones, and creating your own families
First off as an adult survivor, you genuinely don't have any concept of self worth. Especially those that undergo ritualistic abuse, imagine how confusing it is, that with every positive sign of love, even if declared, there is the betrayal, mindgames and abuse to counteract that
Have you ever seen wounded animals? They become immobile, in a frozen state, and after enough time has passed, they don't complain, or draw attention to themselves, for fear of reprisal
The adults that arise from these backgrounds, tend to trust noone, have adeep sense of self loathing and can barely function as a normal adult at times
I tended to swing from one extreme to the other.Seemingly stable, successful and confident, then for no apparent reason, everything crashes around my ears, and I want to crawl under my duvet and never re-emerge
I use huge amounts of energy to overcome all sorts of hang ups to get through everyday situations.
The trick is to keep getting up, and to keep trying....
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
My Aquamarine bangle, I made over a year ago, based on an Eni Oken tutorial
I love this piece, it was one of my fantasy collections, for a mermaid LOL
Today has been pretty awful, and unproductive,I know everyone has one of those days, but we had a house full of people at the weekend, and I am still getting over it.
If I could be described as a weather report, I would read as follows -
A definite grey, overcast day, with barely any sunny spells.Temperatures falling as the day progresses.Some brightness anticipated tomorrow
Friday, 6 November 2009
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Put together my first gift wrapping ideas today for the store.
I went for a chocolate and cream theme, with the boxes and ribbon, then added my own cutesy polymer clay hearts ...
(Amadora means gift of love, hence the little hearts)