I am heading into this Xmas with virtually no contact with my immediate family
It's a funny time of year. The memories are mixed with some happy moments and many awful ones....but it is a family time, you want to feel that sense of belonging don't you
I remember feeling suicidal this time of year in my teens and early twenties. The reason behind these feelings were never clear at the time, just a dark wretched feeling
In retrospect it was intense self loathing.
Self Loathing is a huge problem to overcome for survivors of CSA. You hate what you look like, what you sound like, what you are, and the family around you feed those feelings like a cancer. It keeps you in the role they deem you fit for
You don't feel you deserve happiness, special attention or love even.
The additional little problem I had, was an interesting one. I made people jealous and envious of me enough, so that they would try to bring me down, even if they knew, how hard I had it
I have reconnected with some distant family recently, who were there at the worst times. Memories have been flooding back, about them
My immediate family were pretty cruel and bullying in general. These relatives were nice to start with, but then I seemed to be too smart, too self assured for their liking.Chances are it was a front I put on, and the smartness was because I threw myself into my studies as a way of escape
I had an Aunt, who was around my age at the time. She constantly told me I may have brains, but no looks, not compared to her daughter anyway. She told me I would end up as a prostitute because my parents had me on such a short leash, and I seemed so uptight. I wasn't cool and trendy enough, not like her daughter. She said, my mother was a selfish B****, because she wouldn't cooperate fully with the joint business plans.....God it went on, almost everyday it felt like
I cannot imagine being so insecure to have the need to put down a teenage girl like that. I suppose it takes all sorts to rule the world doesn't it
Funny thing about me, that they never really understood, was that the more I was told, I was ugly, worthless, selfish, useless, not attractive blah blah blah, the less of a reaction I would outwardly give them.
I remember said Aunt calling me downstairs, from my homework desk, to verbally berate me, and I would be zombie like, and go back upstairs and carry on. It really annoyed them LOL
I took all their hate and pettiness, this includes my sister, mother and father too, and internalised it, and got really angry. Not self destructive angry, but I looked at what they all feared most, and did it
I don't know if that is recommended or not by experts but it worked for me.
They all seemed to fear I might just succeed in life inspite of everything, and leave them behind
I worked hard at school, I got fab grades and got to medical school, none of them held me back, even though they tried
As for the constant taunts about my looks, well I don't know any living thing that can blossom under such dire conditions.
At 18 when I escaped, I truly blossomed and never got called ugly or unattractive ever again. My sister didn't like my new self confidence in my looks, but oh well....
I never had a problem attracting men, and have never been single since I was 18 yrs old.
A prostitute, no, I didn't become that....even though self loathing and feeling so filthy on the inside can lead you to that. I didn't because I was still too angry about the potential that was God given, and the so called family that tried to take it away
Anyway, the point is, don't let the b******s get you down.
If you are numb inside because of everything you are going through,don't think too much about it.
Get Educated. Thats the key.
Talk to the authorities, get as much help as you can. You learn to value strangers more than family, and that is OK too
Life's knocks will still keep coming, and goodness knows there are plenty of sideeffects and scars you have to deal with, but try not to live to regret anything. Be brave, and above all try to love yourself
I am going to treat myself this Xmas, as well as my loved ones...and I am going to keep going forward in life, even if it takes ages, my life is within my control now, and thats the best thing to come out of the whole mess
Living in the UK has obvious perks, I love my country...
But putting up with no original music, and a poor excuse for a music industry gets right up my nose
We have had the latest undigestable daily mouthfuls of the latest Simon Cowell extravaganza. There are the sob story contestants, the back stage gossip and rumours, the staged bust ups beween judges etc etc etc
Now we have another hijacking of the UK charts. Cowell, apparently now has his hand in all of the current UK Top 10 albums. They are either his acts, or albums of acts who were promoted on the show
The latest winning act's single, is another rip off cover
I thought I was one of the minority who do not watch the show, and disliked the hold Cowell and the like have over what we listen too, but it looks like there is a silent majority...possibly
The current race for christmas number 1, which for the last 5 yrs has belonged to Cowell, and his minions, maybe overuled by Rage Against The Machine
I loved the track the first time round, and have it on tape at home. Today I downloaded it as a protest to try to get this to number 1, with it's own sweet message to Simon Cowell in the chorus
It's funny. I usually cannot find a movie I really am looking forward to.
Then like double decker buses, 3 come along at once LOL!!
The new Sherlock Holmes
A tongue in cheek Sherlock and a sexy Watson, and I love Mark Strong as the villain
A Single Man
I love Colin Firth, especially when he acts all emotionally repressed and this movie looks interesting. Its also a Tom Ford diectorial debut...
I am partial to Rob Marshall movies, from an aesthetic point of view as well as the plot.Not sure about the music, and Fergie LOL
Still, I am looking forward to seeing this, a lot,
et j'adore Marion Cotilliard
The artists name is Schin and their Etsy shop is here
The image above is a section of his/her Geisha artwork. I fell in love with it instantly, and have actually bought the 8 x 12 inch print. Ooops!
I wasn't meant to buy anything else for me this year....and I couldn't even keep it together for 3 more weeks.Pathetic isn't it LOL
I have been offline for a few days, making xmas pressies, and working.I logged onto my laptop and found my google reader stuffed full to the brim with literally hundreds of entries, so that took me a while to peruse
Hope everyone is well :)
The artists other details are below
♥ WEBSITE: http://schin-art.com
♥ BLOG: http://schin-craft.blogspot.com
♥ FANPAGE: http://www.facebook.com/schin.art
♥ TWITTER: http://twitter.com/schincraft
New Photobucket toy!
Actually since the Winter weather here is making it tricky to get the right light for jewellery photos, I tried my own indoor studio .
The pieces are the same as ones I have shown before, but on a different background. So instead of boring everyone with the same pieces I used this fancy mosaic thing.If you hover your cursor over the mosaic everything moves, and an image will zoom into focus.
Dare I say it, but I really love the latest jewellery pieces I've made.
I am still adding to collections meant for the shop when it opens, but I thought I'd share a few pics of what I've been up to
Lady Of The Lake
This pendant is part of another designer collection I'll be doing, based on the Arthurian legends. This necklace is based on the enigmatic high priestess The Lady Of The Lake, who arises from the waters holding the magical sword Excaliber, for King Arthur
I used Green Amethyst gemstones, for that watery, mystical appeal
This is a necklace I made last night based on an Indian Princess. The necklace contains Labradorite faceted gemstones, and sterling silver sculpted wire.
This is the latest addition to the Greek Goddess collection. Nemesis is the Greek Goddess Of Retribution, she avenges those that have been wronged against
I chose a dark red garnet stone , sculpted within a sterling heart to represent her
Art therapy has always been a lifeline for my mental wellbeing. I was mainly into water colour painting and amateur sculpting in mixed media.
As it happens in life, major personal events forced me to change careers, and I discovered jewellery making, as a creative outlet
Now it is my main passion, I enjoy exploring all forms and techniques in jewellery making, and am still learning. People close to me have encouraged me to start a shop which is linked above.I'm aiming to carve out a new career doing something I truly love
Hope you like my pieces :)
Thanks for visiting
I blog mainly about inspirations for jewellery making.It is a personal blog, as well as an accompaniment to the online shop
The About This Blog Page has more info on what you will find here
Thanks for visiting :)
In store now....
This is one of the featured collections
All of them are shown here at the Gallery