Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Adult Survivor - Funny Time Of Year...

I am heading into this Xmas with virtually no contact with my immediate family
It's a funny time of year. The memories are mixed with some happy moments and many awful ones....but it is a family time, you want to feel that sense of belonging don't you

I remember feeling suicidal this time of year in my teens and early twenties. The reason behind these feelings were never clear at the time, just a dark wretched feeling

In retrospect it was intense self loathing.

Self Loathing is a huge problem to overcome for survivors of CSA. You hate what you look like, what you sound like, what you are, and the family around you feed those feelings like a cancer. It keeps you in the role they deem you fit for

You don't feel you deserve happiness, special attention or love even.

The additional little problem I had, was an interesting one. I made people jealous and envious of me enough, so that they would try to bring me down, even if they knew, how hard I had it

I have reconnected with some distant family recently, who were there at the worst times. Memories have been flooding back, about them

My immediate family were pretty cruel and bullying in general. These relatives were nice to start with, but then I seemed to be too smart, too self assured for their liking.Chances are it was a front I put on, and the smartness was because I threw myself into my studies as a way of escape

I had an Aunt, who was around my age at the time. She constantly told me I may have brains, but no looks, not compared to her daughter anyway. She told me I would end up as a prostitute because my parents had me on such a short leash, and I seemed so uptight. I wasn't cool and trendy enough, not like her daughter. She said, my mother was a selfish B****, because she wouldn't cooperate fully with the joint business plans.....God it went on, almost everyday it felt like

I cannot imagine being so insecure to have the need to put down a teenage girl like that. I suppose it takes all sorts to rule the world doesn't it

Funny thing about me, that they never really understood, was that the more I was told, I was ugly, worthless, selfish, useless, not attractive blah blah blah, the less of a reaction I would outwardly give them.
I remember said Aunt calling me downstairs, from my homework desk, to verbally berate me, and I would be zombie like, and go back upstairs and carry on. It really annoyed them LOL

I took all their hate and pettiness, this includes my sister, mother and father too, and internalised it, and got really angry. Not self destructive angry, but I looked at what they all feared most, and did it

I don't know if that is recommended or not by experts but it worked for me.
They all seemed to fear I might just succeed in life inspite of everything, and leave them behind

I worked hard at school, I got fab grades and got to medical school, none of them held me back, even though they tried

As for the constant taunts about my looks, well I don't know any living thing that can blossom under such dire conditions.

At 18 when I escaped, I truly blossomed and never got called ugly or unattractive ever again. My sister didn't like my new self confidence in my looks, but oh well....
I never had a problem attracting men, and have never been single since I was 18 yrs old.

A prostitute, no, I didn't become that....even though self loathing and feeling so filthy on the inside can lead you to that. I didn't because I was still too angry about the potential that was God given, and the so called family that tried to take it away

Anyway, the point is, don't let the b******s get you down.
If you are numb inside because of everything you are going through,don't think too much about it.

Get Educated. Thats the key.

Talk to the authorities, get as much help as you can. You learn to value strangers more than family, and that is OK too

Life's knocks will still keep coming, and goodness knows there are plenty of sideeffects and scars you have to deal with, but try not to live to regret anything. Be brave, and above all try to love yourself

I am going to treat myself this Xmas, as well as my loved ones...and I am going to keep going forward in life, even if it takes ages, my life is within my control now, and thats the best thing to come out of the whole mess


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