Thursday, 18 February 2010

Adult Survivor: Rant Post - No More Apologies

OK this is a rant warned, turn away now LOL

I remember thinking that whatever happened before the courtcase, could be pushed to the background, because the remaining family members pulled together to put him in prison

That was September 2004. 5 years on, and there was no fairytale ending
My mind broke down, basically and I became a more obviously split personality.
I had always been, you understand, but I kept it to myself, and it didn't really show, other than to my husband

I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), or in laymans terms multiple personalities.
It's fine really, I just have very strong child personalities which express themselves.It's not put on, or an act and has been confirmed by several specialists.

The courtcase acted as a catalyst, and was such a traumatic experience that it caused the separation to occur.
Thats the best way to explain it...
When you are abused as a toddler until your late teens, your mental development and personality development is affected.

One of the most common adaptive responses is to dissociate, in other words, go somewhere else in your head, when things are being done to you.
Kind of like daydreaming, but stronger.

If you are exposed to trauma frequently enough, sustained over years, from such a young age, you are not going to develop normally.Fact.

I don't think it is so hard to understand, but my family do.

My child personalities, well the main one, is a little force of nature.She is 3 years old, and was preserved.
When she emerged it was a shock, and really difficult for us to manage.

Now everything has stabilised.
I cannot work in my former medical capacity, with members of the public, but I can now indulge in my more creative sides, and try to make a living with that.
The child sides come out at home mainly and are more controlled

Doing art seems to suit my illness,and personalities and really I would say, I feel happy and lucky, and pretty optimistic overall.

Clouds darken however, when I am forced to apologise for being messed up, and apologise for being mentally ill to my own sister.
She wants me to be her perfect big sister, a kind of sensible no nonsense nanny type, that I was when young

She abhors what I am like now, and has shown throughout the last 18 months that she would rather I didn't exist to her, than be how I am now.

She has not seen me since the courtcase, lives abroad, is married and wants nothing to do with me

Now she is to have a baby, a blessing, a happy occasion to celebrate surely.
I am to be excluded from this event and will not be permitted to meet this new addition to the family, because she cannot tolerate me and my illness

No one else thinks I am that bad... so thats why I'm ranting today

Adult survivors have scars, after effects, some temporary, some permanent.
The abuse wasn't our fault , and the results are not our fault either.

I'm tired of apologising for myself, and tired of being judged, and treated as an inconvenience.
I am actually pretty self sufficient, smart and stable considering - but family do not want to cut me any slack.
They would rather I was a casual aquaintance and be superficial, and pretend they don't know me, or cut me out altogether

Well, I exist, I am here, and I am proud of who I am considering, and I dare you to go through what I have, and come out better adjusted,
if you are going to treat me so badly now.

OK Rant Over....


  1. Hi Samantha,
    We don't know one another, but I wanted to send you my support. I'm really thrilled that you have found art as a suitable match for your selves. It hurts my heart that your family is not supporting you. You are right - you don't need to apologize for who you are. From an outsider's perspective, you are doing wonderfully. Your work is amazing and everything you are today is a part of all you have been throughout your life. I think you are wonderful.

  2. I am very touched by your comment. I will make sure I come back and read everything you have written over again, when I am plagued with self doubt.

    I do write these entries as a form of catharsis, although I do realise that they do not make for pleasant reading. So I am thrilled you chose to respond and you have lifted my spirits, so thankyou :)

  3. Hi Sam

    I can't imagine what you have gone through but you seem such a strong person now with great talent. I admire you that you can share your feelings so openly here on your blog and pity your family for their behaviour.

    Kristin :)


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