Sunday, 15 August 2010

Adult Survivor Post: An Internal Review

I have finished some satisfying pieces of art, and am having a great weekend.It is also coming up to the 2 year milestone of living as a multiple personality, so its a good time for contemplation

6 years ago, was the courtcase, and it proved to be one trauma too many, and my split personality started to really manifest, and disrupt my daily life. Before that I just did odd things, and seemed very forgetful, and seemed to be able to have extreme changes in my personality which were adaptations to my environments. You know, work mode, socialising mode, quiet mode ... which everyone seems to do, don't they?

Over the six years my personality defragmented, and came to a head 2 years ago. All my hair had been cut off, I was losing time, sleeping with the cats during the day, and not remembering conversations and whole passages of time.

Then, my child personalities fully emerged. whole and different, and outside observers commented that I seemed possessed or something LOL. I was gone...

Now, I'm much better, it doesn't feel like a crisis, but I have learnt to live with it. There have been a lot of changes though, as a consequence.

Good Consequences
I know myself, better as a whole. I have been forced to face up to things, memories, events, bad lifestyle behaviours etc. I feel more at peace with myself. Being split ironically helps me get more out of my life, and I am less repressed.

I can be child like, and fully experience the joy and excitement of that.When I am myself, I am so much calmer, and pragmatic than before. I used to think I was an anxious person, but I'm not...my child selves are, and separating all that out has been weirdly liberating. I can calm them down more effectively from the inside too

Art therapy, has been a Godsend. I cannot get through the days without it.Being creative keeps me on an even keel. You are supposed to be able to express your inner selves non verbally through art, and in turn this can be used as a diagnostic tool. I have no idea what my art shows, but I know, I am lost without it

I have reconnected with significant people from my past. This has been amazing. I was so bottled up before, and I could not possibly see a time when I could cope with being "normal" with these people, but I can now

Me and Mum, have a great relationship now, very honest at times, but full of laughter and light. This has been a wonderful blessing.She has become one of best friends, and is very supportive and protective over me - and it feels real, not fake

Bad Consequences
Losing my job. I spent years in training and finally working as a doctor, and now, it isn't safe for me to work with people really.
To be frank, the only thing I miss is the job security, and validation I derived from that job. I was really good at the job, but it did take over my life at times

Dealing with the ignorance and narrowmindedness of others has been the biggest downer. I've discovered things about my sister, that have been hard to swallow. She is a very angry person, when it comes to me, and she believes my mental illness will harm her child to be.Now, she pretends I don't exist, and does not want Mum to mention me. I don't know how to deal with that kind of thing, its still a learning curve

Future
I have set up my shop website, and then found it killed my creativity for months. I couldn't work out if it was merely exhaustion or what?

As soon as the website was done, I decided, that I really wanted to sell my jewellery in person in the public domain LOL, talk about doing a 180!

Over the last couple of months or so, I have felt very unsettled and disheartened about the whole thing.You know, am I mentally well enough to be out there? Am I good enough? etc

I let my creativity off the leash, and found myself immersed in sculpting, very intricate, and frankly expensive arty jewellery pieces. This is what I am happiest doing. So I have decided to participate in craft and design shows, and sell my high end arty stuff, to the public selectively, throughout the year. Then annually I'll do a big pre christmas push with at christmas fairs etc, with more affordable items.

I am hoping that way, the christmas run will pay for my creative needs LOL.Anyway, thats the plan for now...how it will pan out, who knows?!

Sorry for the long monster post. It's a one off, thanks for reading this far :)

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